Last Wednesday, at the weekly shiur for girls out of seminary, Mrs. S spoke about shidduchim, and I really liked what she said. I really only wrote down the points she was making, so that’s why it’s a bit choppy. And I also forgot to write down any of her sources. (Funny thing she said though: “Speeches about shidduchim after seminary are like speeches about tznius in high school- way over-talked about.”)
We know that finding your match is compared to the splitting of the sea.
The sea didn’t split until Bnai Yisroel cried out. Same with shidduchim, it doesn’t happen until we “cry out” - daven more, do more mitzvos etc. At the time that the yam suf split, everyone knew it was from Hashem. Also in shidduchim we see Hashem so clearly in it. Everyone’s stories are always, “it was SUCH hashgacha!”
The yam suf split into 12 separate paths- not just one. Each person in shidduchim has their own path. Everyone has their own different, separate path that was tailor made just for them.
Before the sea split, Bnai Yisroel thought it was impossible, but then they davened and it split. There was darkness before dawn. Why? Because when we’re in the dark, we intensify our tefillos, and then get the zchus for the light. The darkness is there SO we will strengthen our tefillos.
When the world was created, Hashem made a “deal” with the Sea. The sea was going to split when Bnai Yisroel came to it. It was set to happen. But then when the time came, and Bnai Yisroel was at the sea, it didn’t split. Bnai Yisroel thought it was impossible, so they went INTO the water, and then it split. Why? Because they believed in Hashem anyway. They had no idea that it was SUPPOSED to split. The same thing applies to shidduchim- Its necessary that we daven and have CONFIDENCE in our tefillos. We need to really believe. If we have confidence in our tefillos, then we’ll daven harder. We need to KNOW it’s there.
An example of this is a kid whose father comes home with candy in his pocket. The child KNOWS the candy is there, so he will put extra effort into asking, and won’t just stop after the 1st time the father says no. He really believes that he will get that candy and doesn’t give up.
You need to believe that your tefillos will 100% make a difference. You need to have complete faith in your tefillos. Because it’s in the blueprint of the world that our zivug is there waiting for us. It is SET to happen. At the exact moment that we believe and daven with complete faith, Hashem gives it to us.
This idea of davening for something and getting it is guaranteed with shidduchim, because it’s ours- it belongs to us. With other things, tefillah of course makes a difference, but it’s not necessarily answered in the way we want.
Sometimes when something bad is going on in our life, we bunch all our problems together, and say our whole life is a problem. All the little annoying things all of a sudden become a huge negative thing. So you need to focus on the bracha that you have. You want to be married? Of course you want to be! But that’s not Hashem’s ratzon right now. You need to live accordingly to His ratzon. And you need to be HAPPY living by Hashem’s ratzon. If that’s not where He put you, then that’s not where He wants you.
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5 comments:
Let's think about this for a second. Sure everyone has her own path. But has it been your experience that the frummest girls have the easiest time finding a shidduch with the right person? As a guy, I think most guys who are looking for a wife are looking for someone with the right combination of common sense, bubblyness, and domesticity.
anon- "But has it been your experience that the frummest girls have the easiest time finding a shidduch with the right person?"
absolutely not! i know a lot of super frum girls who still arent married, and some more "chilled" out girls who got married right out of seminary.
"As a guy, I think most guys who are looking for a wife are looking for someone with the right combination of common sense, bubblyness, and domesticity."
im sure thats true, but hashkafos play a HUGE part in it also.
(Same anon as before)
The problem I see is that Mrs. S was urging the girls to daven harder. I have to wonder how she knows that davening harder is going to do it.
It seems to me that approach is going to lead to an attitude that will turn some guys off who would otherwise be suitable. I've been exposed to the davening harder theory, and can't really buy it. My own experience is that the davening harder theory (for people with a frum background) just creates a mental state on the part of the davener that can be addicting and can make him want to get away from reality.
The "Hashem helps those who help themselves" theory would probably work a bit better. Now if you're going to follow that theory, then
the approach would be to develop those qualities that the guys who you would consider appropriate, are looking for in a life partner. In my experience, how much kavana the girl has when she davens isn't much of a factor.
u should just make up a fake name... thatll save the "anon" trouble.
"I have to wonder how she knows that davening harder is going to do it."
i wrote that i forgot to write down all her sources- but she qouted someone from somewhere.
"It seems to me that approach is going to lead to an attitude that will turn some guys off who would otherwise be suitable."
a guy wouldnt want a girl whos davening with a lot of kavanah??? then maybe that type of girl doesnt want that type of guy!
"In my experience, how much kavana the girl has when she davens isn't much of a factor."
are u G-D? how do u KNOW that kavana doesnt change anything, when so many great ppl tell us it does?
Sounds good. I've got to start davening more...
"An example of this is a kid whose father comes home with candy in his pocket. The child KNOWS the candy is there, so he will put extra effort into asking, and won’t just stop after the 1st time the father says no. He really believes that he will get that candy and doesn’t give up."
That was a great example!
that's great that you were able to write down the speech so you shouldn't forget. I never thought of doing that. SO I would wait till I get home and then try to type it up. Then on Shabbos it was really hard to wait so many hours and try to remember it all. But B"H my memory is good, so it all came back to me .
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